It has become glaringly obvious that I need a day off. And a night off. And then maybe another day.

My fuse has been really short lately and I find myself resenting Jose’s ability to–seemingly–come and go as he pleases. The other day he finished work early and went off to buy new work shirts. He returned four hours later (FOUR HOURS!) with the two shirts he set out to buy and some vague explanation about getting sidetracked while searching for new Birks. It’s not that I don’t know how that can happen. I do! I’ve wasted so many hours (pre-parenthood) trying on clothes I had no intention of buying, wandering about aimlessly and never once appreciating what a huge luxury it would later become…I just can’t do that anymore. Four hours is the approximate amount of time I get to myself each day. That is, if bedtime and naps go according to plan, which is (as any parent will tell you) not guaranteed.

Everything is based around Leni’s schedule: her sleep, her meals, her sleep, her meals. I know if I mess with that the rest of the day could be a write off (along with my sanity). On Saturday, Jose left without telling me where he was going or for how long. We were at my parent’s house swimming and he just took off. No, will you be alright if…? Just, gone. My mum assumed (correctly, it turns out) that he was going to pick up stuff for the bbq, but that really wasn’t the point. I could never and probably would never (at this stage in Leni’s life anyway) do that. And it wouldn’t be cool if I did. But there are different rules for me and it just gets to me sometimes.

And then I realized, it’ll be 16 months (on Thursday) since I had a full honest-to-goodness day all to myself. So, yes, maybe these feelings are perfectly reasonable and it’s possible that the longer I wait, the more heightened my feelings will become. That’s a long time for anyone, no?

Problem is, I’m still nursing. In fact, I’m nursing more than I have in over a year. It all started when we went out west and hasn’t fully stopped since. The amazing thing is that my body has increased it’s supply. The not-so-amazing thing is that I was thinking of weaning over the summer and now it seems even tougher. How do I stop? No seriously, I really feel lost on this one. Any tips?

The reality is that the main thing between me and a solid day off is…well…me. I have a mother-in-law who would be happy to have the time with Leni and Jose could easily handle dinner and bedtime after work. It IS doable. I’m not even going to touch on how conflicted I am about missing a whole day with her even though I’m desperate for it. And Leni (and I) will, of course, be perfectly fine when we do stop nursing.

So, first things first, time to work towards nursing…less.