I hate carpets. In fact, I hate all things upholstered.

If an item cannot be easily washed, it has no place in my life right now. Having said that, I love anything that I can toss in the washer (and ideally the dryer too). This is not to say I like all the piles of never ending laundry, but simply that anything requiring dry cleaning or professional cleaning services of any sort can kiss my ass. Leni’s hand-wash-only Disney princess dresses are the height of my specialist cleaning limits. Maybe when the kids are older and we can have nice things again, I’ll drape my house in silk and cashmere and tiny breakables that I keep low to the ground. Currently, I’m thrilled when a spill can be vanquished with a spritz of all-purpose cleaner and a wipe.

It’s tricky though because I do so like pretty things. In fact, it’s a bold-faced lie that I hate textiles. I simply resent the hassle and stress they cause me. I just need to find the pretty things that are practical too, thank you very much. Synthetic materials and wood that can be hosed down get me excited, is what I’m saying here. This juncture in my life being concentrated around little messy people and an aging dog who doesn’t get walked enough.

But I digress. Since moving in with my parents last July, my kids and dog have soiled every surface on the main floor at some point. I am not exaggerating. My mum can attest. Even my husband and I left a mean red wine stain on the couch in the basement (that we paid to have removed). The cleaning bills have been racking up. Every month–if not week–there’s a new spill/stain/accident. And the guilt! Oh god the guilt. Every time something new happens I just feel so helpless and my resentment of textiled furnishings grows. I now understand the beauty of vacuum-sealing all your furnishings. It really is an under appreciated style decision. How does one go about vacuum-sealing a sofa, anyway? Asking for a friend.

Did I mention the general palette in my parent’s home is cream and beige? It is a known fact that children and pets are uncontrollably drawn to light furnishings. Like moths to flame. Especially if said children and pets are soiled in any way. It’s just science.

Just this week, we’ve had three new “incidents.” Sunday,  my toddler went rogue with a travel puree and it ended up on the living room rug and sofa. Monday, a lovely off-white upholstered chair was christened by a soggy diaper. And just this morning, Ruby (our dog) left a poop and bright yellow patch of urine on the dining room rug (also cream). Divine.

Thankfully the last one happened after we’d already scheduled the cleaner. If only there was a three for one special. I checked, there isn’t.

So here I wait with lukewarm coffee in hand for the cleaner to arrive. I have been a bit worried about how little we have to furnish our new home, but maybe I’ll lean into it. I’ll call it minimalism and save myself the hassle of buying more things that will inevitably be destroyed.