April 5th

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Today is April 5th and tomorrow is my daughter’s fifth birthday. Honestly, time is constantly messing with me.

I was newly dating my now husband eleven Springs ago when I first heard the song April 5th by Talk Talk. Jose shared it in an email, along with some beautifully crafted words. I’d never heard Mark Hollis’s gorgeous voice and I listened to it about 40 times in a row while rereading the love letter that accompanied it. I’m not sure I experienced a true swoon until that moment. I have spent years analyzing the lyrics of that song in the context of my life, but that first time I was searching for a secret message from Jose just for me.

Every year since we’ve played that song to mark the date. An unofficial extra anniversary. Almost seven years ago we danced to it at our wedding (not April 5th, unfortunately).

When I was expecting Leni, we were given two due dates and one just happened to be April 5th. I mean come the fuck on, right? My Obstetrician decided to follow the other one (March 30th), but I never stopped feeling like the true DD was really the fifth. It was impossible to dismiss it. And you know what? On April 5th we went in for a check up to see why the little peanut hadn’t popped. It turns out my waters were low so I was induced that evening. The next morning, we met the most amazing little human. The force that has transformed our lives.

I’m still convinced the correct due date was always April 5th.

So this morning–as I do–I listened to my favourite Talk Talk tune and the words still felt like they were directed right to me. Right into my heart. It wasn’t at all what I heard when I was 24 and newly in love. Still hopeful, beautiful, and transformative. Yes. Always. The difference? Those same words have taken on an extra layer of significance. It has expanded to include the incredible, incomparable gift that is my daughter, Leni Simone. When I listen to this song year after year, it transforms and grows as we do. It tells the whole story of the journey that led us to her. One poetic puzzle piece in the lexicon of our lives.

Here she comes
Silent in her sound
Here she comes
Fresh upon the ground
Come gentle spring
Come at winter’s end
Gone is the pallor of a promise that’s nature’s gift
Waiting for the color of spring
Let me breathe
Let me breathe the color of spring
Here she comes
Laughter in her kiss
Here she comes
Shame upon her lips
Come wanton spring
Come for birth you live
Youth takes it's bow before the summer the seasons bring
Waiting for the color of spring
Let me
Let me breathe
Let me breathe you
Let me breathe
Let me breathe you
Let me breathe

Thank you for your gorgeous music, Mark Hollis. You’ll be missed.

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