I’m feeling that itch to post something. It’s been far too long. I have been writing, perhaps more than I’ve ever done. It’s all apart of something else, however, so all that energy and time is going there for the most part. And yet there’s never a full sense of completion. Not yet.
I’ve been on this kick this year, you see. I’ve shared about it here, if you’re curious. Looking to face some of my fears, write more deliberately, find myself more fully, live more intentionally, create more, play more, cut back on numbing and distractions. Half a year in, I’ve felt an enormous shift in my view of myself and the world around me. I was sort of falling in love with this human I’d been burying down for so long.
It’s been very powerful.
Recently–as can happen from time to time–I’ve hit a wall. I was moving and moving and then smack: there’s a wall. My energy just totally plummeted. And my little internal drama queen was like well I guess that’s it! There’s a wall, don’t you see?? It’s time to turn back. All this work was for nothing! You’re still dealing with the same shit and so you probably haven’t learned a damn thing.
I was suddenly barrelled over with all those old self-destructive unkind thoughts. Which are very rude indeed.
Then there’s my more hopeful and logical side calling out (somewhat more quietly and politely), hey now just one darn second there. A bad couple weeks does not failure make.
It was just enough to remind me that the tougher weeks usually arrive on the precipice of change, right? So what is the change I most need to make right now? It can be a big question, but I decided to make it small and manageable.
That critical voice had quieted down when I had clear actions to take. Then after completing a writing retreat, the artist’s way and a few other projects I felt the fears bubble up again. I struggled to just revel in my accomplishments.
So I’ve been doing my best to let myself feel all those feelings and keep popping little nuggets of creativity in where I can. And remember to just trust that this is all part of a greater whole. That something large and worthwhile sits on the other side of my low low energy.
I talked to a friend about it and started to write this all down yesterday. Within hours I was feeling the heaviness lift ever so slightly. I realized half way through my morning today, I hadn’t rolled a negative thought marble around my psyche for even a minute. So I gave it a try and found it didn’t gain much traction. I felt myself trusting my path again–this winding, uneven, long path. I felt my two feet on the ground and wonder in my heart renewed. Funny how it can shift so subtly and suddenly like that.
Then this afternoon I received an email in my inbox. I thought it was just a newsletter with some writing from my favourite writing workshop leader. Every sentence spoke right into my heart. Frankly, that would’ve been enough to feel that jolt of synchronicity today–to feel the magic working. Then there at the end of her beautiful prose was information about a creative project. It was the exact next thing I most yearned for on the path of my in-the-works project. I didn’t hesitate a moment to apply. That, in itself, was a testament to where I am right now.
The truth is that 6-7 months ago I would never ever have taken that leap. It was a reminder that I have come so far and I’m exactly where I need to be. Even sharing that there’s “a something” in the works feels ok. Kind of nice really.
So…I may or may not get that spot, but I know I can trust it’s all a part of this journey and that is enough for today.
This a reminder to myself and anyone who may need it. There is often an opportunity on the other side of your tougher days. To step into yourself again. To step into something new. To dream. To listen. To create. To just be. To trust that it’s all part of the big picture and tomorrow is a new day.